Armchair Adventures, Achaea's Foremost Periodically Updated Tabloid
Magazine Happy Fun Time Time!


FLAMING FELINES FIND FESTERING FEAST, FIGHT FALCONS FOR FOOD.
-------------------------------
The eating habits of the finicky cats have long been a mystery to
mortalkind, but it has long been somewhat accepted that cats like mice,
rats, and other vermin. But a certain question has remained in the minds
of those with nothing better to do for far too long. What about flaming
cats?

The answer is that they eat the exact same thing. Which means it's
pretty hard to know what they eat. But what of rats? Rats are often
killed and fed to falcons for sustenance, but it is not only falcons who
enjoy these disease-ridden treats, for the flaming cats are fighting
back and taking what they want. Generally speaking, falcons have always
had their pick of the vermin because they are more ferocious in battle,
and can commonly be seen raking talons across the eyes of any offending
cats. Flaming cats, however, make things just a small bit tougher.

There has recently been a startling rise in the amount of charred falcon
corpses over the past few months, and it can only be gleaned from this
information that the cat-falcon violence levels have been rising and may
escalate into a full-blown fight for survival between two factions over
a food supply. Granted, they could just start eating something else, but
the public at large has decided to watch the bloodshed with glee. The
outcome of this event is yet to be determined, but the only thing for
certain is that this confrontation gives new meaning to the phrase,
"Hey, watch out for that flaming pussy."


SOMEWHAT SEXY SALESPEOPLE SAY SOMETHING SCREWY? SERIOUSLY SILLY.
-------------------------------
The Market channel. Strictly moderated selling forum for those with
items to spare, or secretive sales forum for those with loose strings on
their pants? A new conspiracy has been brought to light, and the
formerly innocent phrase of "CFS" has been tainted by those with their
minds in the gutter and their hands in their pants. "Credits for sex," a
dangerous twist of acronyms.

While for better or for worse, those of the realms are fully licensed to
sell whatever goods they may be peddling, this is clearly not always a
good thing. Inexperienced whores and prostitutes of every gender and
race are free to peddle their dubious wares under the familiar moniker
of legitimate business. Little do we know the truth is lurking! These
predators have claimed more than one unsuspecting credit marketeer on
their path to stronger venues both physical and financial, and it has
not been a pretty sight for anyone to behold.

We have talked to at least three different people who attest to have
merely been seeking credits in use for lessons, artifacts, houses, or
any other number of uses which could be believably claimed, only to have
been cruelly tricked by these strumpets of the market wasteland. So
remember, Sapience, if you hear someone boldly declare, "CFS!" it may
not be the innocent declaration of financial exchange that it was once
synonymous with.


ANIMALS ATE ANOTHER ANT ARBORETUM? "AIEE!" ACHES AGRICULTURE
AFFICIONADOS.
-------------------------------
Farming. The backbone of any society (aside from good prostitutes). The
bringer of the bread. The maker of the fruits and pie fillings. While
these seemingly continue to be unthreatened, a type farm often kept by
those who are younger has suddenly been threatened by an outbreak of
terroristic attacks. These attempts have been mostly carried out by
members of the ant-eater family and, in rare occasions, orphans with
fake long noses. It's uncertain at this point as to whether or not these
attacks are independent forays by hungry invaders or coordinated strikes
by an evil third party.

While these allegations of animal abrogation upon ant arboretums with an
agenda of a sinister other behind them have yet to be proven, it is
widely considered that it is possible as the attacks have always been
accompanied by a shadowy figure lurking in the background performing
strange dances and wearing a mask made out of cheese. It's uncertain as
to whether this person actually has anything to do with the attacks, but
he, she, or it is currently being pursued for questioning to no current
success.

One thing that is certain is that if these ant farm attacks continue,
the children of the world may soon be without something to properly
occupy their time, which means that in a shocking turn of events,
parents may actually have to begin paying attention to their children.
And this is a future that many negligents are not willing to consider in
the search for an answer to their children's incessant nagging.


PROMISCUOUS PUBESCENT PUNKS PURLOIN PURSES, PELVIC PALADIN PRODIGIOUSLY
PREVENTS PILFERING
-------------------------------
The youth of the world has often been referred to as our future. For one
day, of course, they will grow up into adults and become productive
members of society. But there has been a shocking amount of child
gang-related crimes on the rise lately. Many wonder if it is a taste of
things to come, or merely a sign that Ashtan's orphanage has the right
idea. However, it seems that these young hooligan's continued rash of
dastardly crime shall no longer continue unabated as one brave man
stands up to their heedless attacks on the purses of old elderly ladies.

This man, calling himself the Pelvic Paladin, claims to subdue the young
punks with a powerful pelvic thrust of power. While many consider this
to be somewhat confusing, to say the least, and even somewhat
truamatizing to those of lesser constitution. Still, this man has often
been seen wandering out of the houses of young women in a bewildered and
pantsless state. This "pelvis of power" as he calls it seems to be a
lethal weapon, and it is recommended that all should excercise extreme
caution in dealings with this man.


DAREDEVIL DARES DEATH? DISSIDENTS DECLAIM DEMISE!
-------------------------------
Granny Nnarg, famous living palindrome and recently renowned for her
crazy stunts jumping over large gaps and falling down without breaking
her hip, has become something of a legend among those in the more
elderly crowd. They see her as an admirable old coot, one who takes
things to the extreme and dangerous. Many consider her to be a threat to
all of the older set, as she may encourage those with weak bones to take
unsafe risks. Some of the younger crowd encourage these death defying
activites. It could be, however, that the old lady is making one thrust
too far with her fearless cane.

It appears that this old lady intends to climb to the top of Mount
Nicator and take a tumble of faith down the other side. A number of the
dangers that would face her on this perilous journey include bears,
frigid winds, arthritis, and a startling lack of tapioca. Many claim
that she'll never make it, and the betters of the world are eagerly
awaiting the chance to place their wagers on whether or not this old
lady and her creaky bones will survive the downwards tumble.

Granny Nnarg, we salute you!

Penned by my hand on the 7th of Valnuary, in the year 431 AF.