I was recently mailed, multiple times, a copy of the following satirical
work. Since it lacks any particular merits, I can only assume that it
was sent to me for help. Unfortunately, our poor author has forgotten to
sign his work, and I dont know where to send my criticisms. Im sure,
however, that they will reach the appropriate ears. Ill reproduce the
work in full here, for those interested.

The Secret Insights to Hashan's Legal System:

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First of all, DO NOT enter the city of Hashan. With this simple act
alone, you WILL be enemied. Hashan has a law called "Deprivation of
freedom". It's so loosely worded that you can be enemied simply for
breathing a Hashan citizen's air. By avoiding Hashan all together you
can avoid this pit trap Hashan has made for the lands of Sapience

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However, if you need to enter Hashan, follow these simple rules.

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1. DO NOT speak to any Hashani.
Speaking to any citizen of Hashan will probably get you enemied, simply
because you're limiting (or depriving) their freedom. Hashani can take
offense to pretty much anything, from saying hi, nodding your head or
even just looking their way. Be warned, people of Sapience, they WILL
cry for your enemying.
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2. DO NOT buy from Hashani stores.
Hashan is a strange little city, and has weird customs when it comes to
stores. The citizens like to hoard these items for themselves and will
cry out that you're depriving them of their freedom to buy things if you
purchase them first. If you MUST buy from a Hashan store, make sure no
one is around to see you in the act of this "heinous" crime. Then, after
buying the item, RUN LIKE ALL HELL OUT OF THE CITY. They WILL be on to
you if you stick around, which brings us to our next rule...

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3. DO NOT take items into Hashan.
Hashani believe that they are free to take what they please, and in this
believe they're free to take whatever they like from a person. They are
often known to have people at the gates who "mark" unsuspecting
travelers into their city, who are often unaware of the malicious and
hateful nature of Hashan's laws. After this person has been "marked", a
capable thief will trail them, waiting for the perfect opportunity to
deprive this poor person of their belongings. Some people have even fled
from the city after having the very clothes on their backs taken from
them. So folks, LEAVE YOUR CRAP AT HOME, unless you want to donate it to
the "Keep Hashani Free" fund.

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By following these simple rules, you too can be safe of the legal vortex
that is Hashan, Crown of the North.

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The first error comes in the title. The title will set the tone for the
piece, and yours gives us a sense of underhandedness, or conspiracy. You
want to lead us in thinking you're making a serious commentary, rather
than jump head-first into the realm of disgruntled politics. I suggest a
dryly academic title to replace yours, or perhaps one that praises the
cleverness of Hashan's laws.

The next problem is in paragraph one. You get off to a decent (though
certainly not spectacular) start, but you quickly abandon the satiric
tone when you directly accuse the law of being loosely worded. The idea
behind the satire should be to lure the reader in before exposing the
absurdity. Instead, you go backwards, and try to expose the absurd
without giving us a moment to get into the piece. Instead, try lauding
the wording of the law. Point out how much easier life is when laws mean
what you want, not what they say. Suggest that other cities follow suit
in this brilliant innovation of jurisprudence.

The next three items suffer from similar problems. You time and again
leap too soon, and level accusations without proper satiric build-up.
The core of the problem seems to be that you start each point with a
negative statement. You're telling us the problem right up front.
Instead, write a list of benefits that the Hashan laws bring, and then
slowly twist those benefits to the point of absurdity. This way, you'll
expose the flaw in the reasoning behind the laws, rather than just
flat-out saying they're bad and you don't like them. By being so quick
on the attack, you come off as bitter, rather than clever.

The desperate tones that end points two and three are out of place, and
break the flow of the piece. Once we've heard "RUN LIKE ALL HELL OUT OF
THE CITY" (and I would strongly caution against this sort of use of
caps), we are essentially unable to return to the realm of satire. If
you feel you must make this sort of statement, you would do well to
place it at the very end, though I suspect the piece would be strongest
if it never went this far, but rather left the reader to make the jump
to anger.

The ending lackluster, and doesn't really add anything to the piece.
This should be your opportunity to fire a last stinging volley at your
target, but you instead drop the weak insult, "legal vortex." If you
feel that you need to tie the piece together at the end, it should be
one more level of escalation of the absurd, to leave the reader ready to
march against the injustice of Hashan. Instead, you again come off as a
bitter victim, more desperate for our sympathies than hoping to raise
outrage about Hashan.

I eagerly await your second draft.

-Tiax

Penned by my hand on the 4th of Aeguary, in the year 422 AF.