You guys and gals are amazing flavored contributors. Without your problems I, Jonesey, would not have problems to solve. So I thank you for being unable to solve your own problems and relying on the wisdom of a Jonesey. Your questions make this column exist.

Let's dive right in!

You read what is written on an elegant white letter:
Dear Jonesey,

I've found myself caught between a rock and a hard pickle and I hope you
can give me some advice.

Being a young girl is hard enough. There's a big world out there to be
explored. Things become more difficult when you find yourself gaining
the attention of many guys, and even some girls, as you travel.
Sometimes you are able to make a few good friends from these encounters
but more often than not these situations don't turn out so well. When
there is no attraction, someone always ends up hurt.

The most memorable experience I've had in my life was finding my forever
home. My family. A loving Mommy and a protective, helpful Daddy that
love me.

Come to find out.. they actually love me.

The man who calls himself my Dad turned out to want me to have his
children, too. This caused quite a stir in the family and ended a
relationship. Ever since then, my Mommy and I formed a bond against men
and tackled the world together. Watching her fight is a true sight to
behold and her ability to bring war to others is simply astounding.

And that's when things went wrong. Apparently, this beautiful Atavian
that is the envy of many women and the object of desire for an army of
men...

.. wants me to have her children.

How did this happen to me?

Signed,
a stamper of "Return to Sender" on every package

Dear a stamper of "Return to Sender" on every package,

Sounds like you suffer from the worst fate of them all, good genes. I too suffer from this genetic abnormality and everyone I encounter is wildly attracted to me. Their lusty eyes view me nothing more than tasty meat versus the intelligent being that I am. You see, sometimes when someone loves you, they love you and there are very few tiers of love past physical love.

It really is your fault, you should have tried to make yourself uglier as the years progressed. Become a terrible being and neglect to care for yourself will lead to less superficial relationships. Those who love you at that point really love your ugly self.

As far as a solution goes, I would love to help you make a child with your mother. At the very least I can watch and give you critique to make sure you both are doing it right. If you do not wish to make a child with your mother, it is time to turn away from your family and live a life of solitude, as you are making it weird.

Love Jonesey
P.S. I am available to consult through out this entire process of self exploration.


NEXT!!


Dearest lost sapphire who spins advice while his life crumbles around
him,

Very recently the biggest and baddest city-state in all the lands has
seen fit to set fire to my little private she-shed down by the river. Oh
how I loved sitting next to my she-shed with my dragon toesies dipped in
the water enjoying a crisp lemon-aid and some seared Red-fin Tuna... but
now I must sit next to ruins, and the smell of burnt wood and the musky
scent of Mhaldor's under-compensating army still looms in the air. So my
question to you good sir! How can I convince Mhaldor to maybe I don't
know attack something a little more on the beaten path? They are
supposed to be so scary and strong right? Why do they keep going after
my she-shed?

With the most sincerest of concerns for my she-shed,
The she-shedless dragon.


Dear The she-shedless dragon,
You should take that as a compliment. Your she-shed was so mighty that a city decided to destroy it. It was so significant that it was worthy of being a target of the haters. As far as convicing Mhaldor to not destroy your she-shed, I would suggest bribery or blackmail. You can either bribe them with money or sexual favors or alternatively find something incriminating about a higher up and threaten to expose their pony play fetish.

Thats right, find out that they enjoy wearing assless chaps and stirrups and take what they love and use it against them. That is the best way to ruin their fun, as it seems that they have ruined your fun. A good retaliation plan involves stooping below your opponents level and escalating the event. Show them that they cannot prance around the lands, hoping to be combed and jump over hurdles with no consequences. Also I am available for consultation for those who wish to enter pony play, as it can be fun to wear assless champs and stirrups while prancing around the lands, hoping to be combed and jumping over hurdles. If this isnt something you wish to be a part of thats fine, just say neeeeiiiiggghhhhhhh.

Love Jonesey

PS. Ashtan is the biggest baddest city-state, you silly.

NEXT!!!!!!!


You read what is written on an elegant white letter:
Dear Jonesey,

In the current achaean political climate, what do you see as the best
recourse for the Village of Eleusis. Should they embrace the way of the
almighty hug, and perhaps cuddle with their precious trees. Or...
perhaps their balls will finally drop and they will be proactive in
regards to the preservation and reclamation of assets that are in their
eyes supposed to be "Natural"?

Best Regards,

The Dark Knight

Dear The Dark Knight,

While I am not Eleusian, I have been there before, at least three times. Eleusis should probably combine its best elements, hugging trees and being proactive with reclaiming assets that are supposed to be "Natural". My suggestion, smothering. Hug your opponents to death, squeeze out those who seek to destroy Nature and suffocate those who currently live in an area where Nature rightfully belongs.

Also, don't you guys have subdivisions? Don't you use wood to construct homes? I would say you should solve your internal struggles before trying to change the world. Also let's play out your reclaim Nature bit, once you accomplish that do you know what happens? I do, it is FuFu. You can choose to figure out your position on how to do whatever you believe your goals are, or you can skip a few steps and accept FuFu in your lives.

At the very least, you should let those who wish to relaim and preserve focus on that and those who wish to cuddle trees do that. Just make it more appealing for all parties so that you can grow into a large enough for that you aren't divided in ideology, but united with different directions.

Love Jonesey

Thanks everyone for your contributions and the questions you pose. I hope that I have provided insight, but at the very least a smile. I look forward to helping out with your next batch of problems. As always make sure you write a letter and enclose at least one golden sovereign so that I know you mean business. Until next edition!

Penned by my hand on the 2nd of Mayan, in the year 808 AF.