Achaea,

Most of you don't know me. And I know that most of you could care less
what I have to say or what becomes of me. If you don't want to read a
long missive, I suggest that you skip this post. But for those who will
listen, hear my words, for they will be my last. My life, my hopes, and
my disappointments only make up a tiny, insignificant part of the myriad
of lives that is Achaea. I am aware of this, now, more than ever.

I am a pacifist. I am proud to say that I have lived nearly 32 years in
this bloodstained realm and have never harmed a living thing, not even a
rat. All I am, all I have ever wanted to be, is a healer. A helper of
people. A representative of goodness, of order, a light shining in the
darkness. In short, a priest, right? No. Misguided dreams, all.

I have discovered, to my surprise and shock, that pacifists have no
place in the Church. You cannot be a true pacifist and a true Church
member. Why is that, you ask? To be a pacifist, you must put aside
violence as a means to accomplish your goals. You *cannot* kill. It is
not an option. Pacifism is not a promise to be thrown aside: to be a
pacifist, you must accept that death is never necessary. But, to be a
Church member, you must be willing and ready to do anything the Church
asks of you. Anything. Including administering death. The Church has the
right to order a pacifist to kill, if that death will further the
Church's cause. As strange as it may seem, peace and goodness cannot be
one and the same. Everyone may as well understand this. In order to be a
healer, you must be willing to be a killer. If you want to save lives,
you must be willing to take them. This is the struggle against evil,
darkness, and chaos. This is the Church of Achaea.

This is not really about the struggle between the Church and I, however.
I had a long, depressing, and tiring argument with my guildmaster and
the guildmistress of the Paladins not too long ago over my vows as a
Church member verses my vows as a pacifist. Depressing, because I saw
the true nature of what is termed "good" and I saw that peace has no
place in it. Tiring, because I suddenly saw how futile my arguments
were. At one time, I sought to change the Church, to make them
understand why the world hates them. I do so no more. Why should I
bother? The Church does not mind being hated, in fact, I think they like
it. They don't care if the entire world is against them. Why should they
seek the respect of the masses? What they are is what they are, an
organization covered in blood, blood spilled by their "righteous anger".
But the most terrible thing that I now know is this: according to the
rules and the laws of this realm, the Church is not in the wrong.

My former beliefs were thus: all mortals are born with free will.
Everyone has an alignment that they alone control. Everyone has the
right to choose: good, or evil? Light, or darkness? Order, or chaos?
Peace, or war? I've always been a firm believer in free will: one of my
biggest arguments with the Church has been over whether or not we, as a
Church, have the right to take that choice away from people. Seek to end
all evil? To do so would end all free will. But I have been deceived. No
Achaean has true free will.

All mortals are born with the capacity to decide for themselves what is
good, and what is evil. This is the nature of sentient life. But here,
in this realm, what is "good", you ask? Look in the Codex. What is
"evil", you ask? Listen to Lord Sartan and His followers. Ultimately,
Good is whatever the Gods of Good deem it to be. Evil shall be whatever
the Gods of Evil say it is. And so on. It is not something that is up
for debate. If They say evil and darkness are the same, then so they
are. If They say pacifism and light cannot be one, then so be it. It is
as the Gods decree. Who are we to argue? Who are we to know better? We
are just little children in Their eyes, little children who need
constant guidance on those paths in which They have ordained for us to
follow. Ours is an existence where all such choices are made for us.
Most are content with their lives as thus. I am not.

I do not blame the Church for my struggles and problems. It is I who am
mistaken, not the Church, according to the powers that govern this
realm. The Church is an organization that runs exactly how the Gods want
it to, and does exactly what the Gods want it to do. We cannot change
it. Only the Gods can, and They do so as They see fit. In this and in
all things, we are powerless. Since this doesn't seem to bother anyone
else, it seems that I am the outcast who is wrong about how life should
be. These conflicting vows, peace and goodness, vows that I know in my
heart should not conflict at all, are tearing me apart slowly, inch by
inch. In my eyes peace and goodness should go together. In my eyes, evil
and darkness are completely different forces that work in different
ways. But what does the view of a single man like myself matter? The
world is how it is. Thus I have seen. Thus I accept. But I cannot live
in such a world.

I will be gone before anyone reads this. The only blood that my hands
will ever be stained with shall be my own. Suicide is, perhaps, the easy
way out, the coward's way. I do not care if I am called a coward. I am
not afraid of death: indeed, one cannot be afraid to die if one chooses
a life of pacifism in this world of killing. I will not continue this
hypocritical life in which I have no control. I have been called a
selfish man more than once. I do not deny this: I embrace it. I have
lived only for myself, for I have never seen the purpose of living
another person's or a God's life. I answer only to myself, because a man
is always his own most critical judge. My morals are my own, and no God
will change or alter them as They wish. So you see, Achaea, I do not
belong here amongst you. My life is all I have, it is my own to take,
and I take it without regret.

Here is your post, my lady Aldair. I hope you are satisfied with the
facts.

Belldandy, my priestess, my friend. Will you ever know how much I love
you? I am sorry, my dear. But what is the purpose of thinking free if we
cannot act upon it?

Darcmyst, father, someday you will understand why I must do this.

Goodbye.

Nuatha Trefenwyd

Penned by my hand on the 21st of Glacian, in the year 308 AF.