After many arcane experiments and Shamanic rituals, the zombified corpse
of Armchair Adventures, Achaea's foremost Achaean Tabloid has been
ressurected! Children, make sure you have parental consent before
reading these articles. If you are pregnant or expecting to become
pregnant, refer to Dr. Kortoxian before perusing.


MARAUDING MISCREANTS MANHANDLE MUNICIPAL, MALALIGNED MAGIC MAN MAKES
MATTERS MARVELOUS
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The large bandits of the Shalan'jen monastery, commonly known for their
habit of killing everything in sight that walks in and being the death
and theft of newbies everywhere, have recently found them in a bit of a
pickle. After all, theft from newbies just doesn't pay as well as it
used to.

In the interests of continuing their illicit activities, these bandits
have hired a new member to add to their cadre. A particular wizard
well-known for the ability to produce financial results has lent his
skills to the group of bandits that they may continue their hijinks.

When asked about future plans for the group, the wizard stated, "My
fabulous powers of developing financial prowess are not for those of
lesser minds to delve upon. Thusly upon these saying I can easily say
you need not worry about from whence this money comes, and shall never
have to henceforth worry upon it."

When the other members of the group were asked as to how they felt about
the new member of the group, they only responded by killing our reporter
and making off with his notebook.


DODDERING DOMINATRIX DIVINES DIRTY DEALINGS, DESTROYS DELINQUENTS
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In fictional news today, the bank of Hashan was involved in a daring
bank robbery that made off with untold millions of gold. Certainly, the
evildoers would have made away with all the money if not for the
ministrations of Kaethryn, the Dominatrix of Hashan.

In an epic battle of kinky proportions, Kaethryn whipped all the baddies
butt good, made them cry for more, and taught them who the dominant
person in the relationship was. They were also referred to by vulgar
terms and put down on their knees like dogs two or thre times throughout
the fight. When the smoke cleared, it was clear that Kaethryn had been
particularly successful, and she had a number of new boytoys.

The gold, unfortunately, still has not been recovered. In an official
statement from authorities to the public who cared, "A wizard did it."
Hycanthus was not found available for comment.


FRANTIC FARMER FRAMES FABLE, FOOLS FURTHER FABRICATE
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One farmer of the Pash Valley has recently found himself with
significant issues as his sheep have disappeared mysteriously...only to
be returned days later with mysterious symbols having appeared in their
wool, odd circles and symbols with no seeming appearance of any meaning.
He's also found that his food has had a strange taste, and, in an
exclusive statement to the press, he has postulated that it may, in
fact, be that his crops have been...probed.

Thus far, the farmer has little more than suspicions to bandy about, and
yet he reports many instances of strange lights at night, odd noises,
shaking furniture, and strange headaches at night.

An investigation was conducted on the farmer's land and all that was
truly discovered was a number of balloons and packets of itching powder
littered around the barn. Though these clues would lead one to believe
that the CIJ house was likely involved, they were quickly dismissed as
being too incompetent to do anything of the sort.


BABELITE BABBLES BORING BABBLE, BROTHERS BRAG BELITTLING
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In a rare interview with a Babelite, we've found ourselves with a
valuable insight into the life of said Babelite. After all, for a man
dedicated to Oblivion, exactly what kind of future plans can you have?

When asked about his immediate plans for the future, our interviewee,
who asked that he remain anonymous, said that he had no intention of
finding a wife, kids, house, money, advancing his skills, looking for a
high ranking position in city, house, or order and, in fact, was simply
whiling time away until oblivion came upon him. When this logical
fallacy was pointed out, he loudly proclaimed that he would stare at us
until we obliviated.

Due to large demand, we the only thing we can give out about our
interviewee's identity is that they are related to Beldaran.

Penned by my hand on the 24th of Phaestian, in the year 480 AF.