These times in Achaea, they're a-changin' for sure. Back in my day we
settled for casually tossing around insults and whining about Monks and
Occultists, but now? Now we've got all this nonsense about war and good
and evil and church and chaos and would-be alliances and confused
viewpoints.

Nosiree, back in my day we settled for things nice and simple-like. I'll
tell you, things didn't used to be this way. Times these days don't
breed good people, nosiree. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little
disappointed.

Still, it's nice to see that some progress is being made these days.

...except for the part where there's not really any progress at all
being made. But life is funny like that.

Mhaldor, as always, is the quintessential evil. But it would seems that
they're not quite evil enough for Shallam. If they were, surely Shallam
would have done something about them, no? Clearly, Mhaldor, the yearly
Sarapin sacrifices and the usual killing and desecration of all the the
rest of the world holds sacred is not doing enough to inspire evil in
the rest of the world. It is for this reason that I, as a neutral
outside observer (the best one ever, of course), offer advice on making
things more evil in a simple plan.

I propose that these sacrifices to the lords of evil occur, at the very
least, once a month. This will surely encourage your fellow Mhaldorians
to as of yet untold heights of savagery and greatness in the name of
evil, for if they are so often killed, the amount of hunting done in
retribution to keep oneself on top of the curve for experience will, at
the very least, cause a mild headache for good as they attempt to
prevent you from killing whatever good or at least mildly decent
mannered denizen you feel like showing the pointy endof your respective
sticks. Hilarity and much progress in the name of evil will, of course,
ensue.

Shallam, city of hope, good, light, and therefore lamps (right?). Sure,
there was a recent war, and in every war there's one winner and one
loser. Granted your position, I'll admit, it's not the best, but always
remember, it could be worse. At least you, unlike some parts of the
Northern Ithmia, exist. However, I do enjoy dispensing advice,
especially where it's least required.

To ye of the good olde city of Shallam, I recommend that you find a good
Bard and put your large candle-based orphan army to good work. Teach
them the basis of voicecraft and put Handel to work as the glorious
Battle Commander of the First Orphan Singing Brigade. The only potential
loss is that of life, and I'm sure those young waifs will be more than
happy to give all they can for the city that offered them the candle of
hope. Granted, lollipops are tastier, but what are you going to do?
That's a risk they're willing to take, and if them raising their voices
causes everyone else to raise their voices in victory, all to the
better, no? Imagine the glorious success when Handel marches off to
battle with a carefully trained orphan brigade, ready to sing for both
supporting roles and raiding roles. Ah, fantastic.

Ashtan, the classic city of "we're bigger than you!". Attracting
hundreds of people with things that could be referred to as brains, and
at least tens of people that actually do have them, the city has quite a
diverse population of people. But, that's at least half the fun. Kinda.
At any rate, although great victory was achieved, I think everyone
involved can admit it was fairly messy.

The suggestion I have for you is, admittedly, pretty much the same as
Shallam. But since it involves lollipops, it is obviously much better
from the get-go. I propose that when you do get a wagonload of the
children you're so fond of (and those juicy, juicy pineal glands), try
getting them to sing a bit, go outside of the norm, and don't slaughter
them immediately. No, instead, based on the pitch of their voices,
separate them into groups and assign one person to each group to be in
charge of the slayings. It can't just be any random Karl off the street,
however, no, they must be carefully trained to hit a single note at an
appointed time for this to be effective. Let one master conductor point
at each when his time is ready, and he will strike down the sugar
tricked waif, causing that pitch to echo out and continue the dreadful
song of slaughter and other such wanton excellence. I know what you may
be thinking, this will certainly run through supplies very quickly. I
cannot help but think that with Ashtan's population, it should be more
than made up for within minutes. I'm certain that in some causes, even
older children at heart will be suckered into taking the candy, and who
knows what they'll be useful for? Only time will tell.

I believe that if these suggestions are taken to heart, we will see a
much better, more effective approach to war at large, and will no doubt
have a much better time doing it in the future. After all, everyone
knows that the best way of dealing with with idealogical differences is
to solve them with oh-so-delicious violence.


-Kuntar "Sally Kissy Pants" Semshan, Advisor of the People

Penned by my hand on the 3rd of Sarapin, in the year 466 AF.