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Perky Pointy Pectorals Produce Painful Presbyopia
------------------------------------
The female Achaean whores of the world have long been admired by some,
and reviled by others for their considerable assets of upper body
prowess. But could it be that there's a such thing as too much, and
furthermore, too perky?

For the first time in reported medical history, a man's eyes have been
lost to a poking incident with nipples as the prime instrument of the
sudden loss of sight. The victim, a famous goat who requested that he
remain anonymous, is currently undergoing intensive care for what many
believe to be normally a lethal poke in a rather painful area.

It's hoped that the governments of the world will start to set down
legislation decreeing as to how much point is too much point, so that
the Average Joe can go out and hire a hooker without needing protective
eyeware. The whore involved in this case has had no charges filed
against her, but it will forever be a black mark against her name for
those seeking her illicit pleasures. Though crestfallen by the
development, she says that business has never been better and that she's
undergoing preventative measures to make sure it doesn't happen again.


Troubling Times Tear Team Twain, Two-Timing Thought Threatening
------------------------------------
Tragedy strikes Ashtan's celebrity couple of Jaizsur and Ainia yet again
as rampant cheating and sleeping around again catastrophize the
marriage. While most have lost interest after hearing about the seventh
one, but this one has a stunning twist that the last ones did not
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Back to our story. The development that makes this affair so stunningly
different from all those in the past is that Oenone was seen running out
of an establishment clad in nothing but a bedsheet (which wasn't exactly
placed well) with a distraught Ainia calling out after her, "Come on,
baby! This has never happened to me before!" When Jaizsur was questioned
about the development, he said he was, "not surprised," and that their
relationship was, "not in any real danger." Whether or not this
statement holds true is yet to be seen, but naysayers have been noted to
say, "Nay!"

When Oenone was questioned as to the particulars of the incident,
excuses were made, and others were blamed. When asked for all the juicy
details, Oenone gave a shocking tell-all story that can purchased from a
local book store. The book is titled, "My Live and Molestation: How I
Overcame My Husband's Deficiencies."


Mendax Makes Men Malcontent, Magnificant Manliness Menaces Marriages
------------------------------------
What do three grapefruits, a pair of clipping shears, and a male chicken
have in common? Absolutely nothing, unless you're Mendax. Speaking of
Mendax, his role in the fate of women everywhere has yet again become
ill-defined and men are feeling the painful twinges of jealousy as it
seems to be proven that size doesn't matter.

Could it be that Mendax is simply a raging man-oven of manly musk and
testosterone whose delicious scents draw females from all over,
including those of various animal species? Or is it perhaps that women
are leaving the zeroes for the heroes? In either case, more and more men
are being left both single and devastated by a man of seemingly superior
proportions as their women off and run towards this paragon of male
excellence. Is it a hormone thing, or are the women simply being
confusing for the sake of confusion?

For whatever reason it's happening, Mendax seems to be taking the
development in stride, and Oenone seems to be adapting well, and the
marriage does not seem to be in any immediate danger (sudden unexpected
mole attacks aside). When questioned about what the future held, Mendax
said only that, "I can't blame them. I'm irresistable."


Flaming Flatulance Fries Forests, Forestals Figure Firefighting Fails
------------------------------------
Flatulance, the number two killer of people aged birth to death, has
been upgraded to the number one killer of plantlife after a recent
discharge that wiped out a third of the Western Ithmia. While many
question what caused the sudden flare-up that took out a goodly portion
of the forest, the afterscent of rotten eggs and burning eyes led many
to believe that a good fart was involved.

The lingering question remains, what was the cause of the ignition? Was
it a fire that was already started, or was it merely a misplaced candle?
Was it a kinky orgy gone wrong, or did some prankster decide to light
one up for giggles?

Whatever the case, the fire burned down close to a third of the forest,
hundreds of blankets along with it. Surprisingly, no one was overly
concerned about the lost herbs, and many forestals continued to prance
about hugging trees. The future legislation holds the promise of laws to
restrict beans in a leafy environment, regulations set on controlled
fire in the forests, and a helpful grizzly bear going around mauling
those who bring fire of any sort into the area.


Yudhishthira Yanks Yahoo's Yuck, Yowling Yokel Yells Yikes!
------------------------------------
Recently found participating in one of the more recent wholesale
slaughters of all he surveys, Yudhishthira has long been regarded as a
terribly strong and effective bad guy very capable of crushing all he
comes into contact with. But could it be that Polyargos is no longer his
preferred stomping ground? A house or horrors in Cyrene has been
victimized by this most cruel of dragons in his quest for new conquests.

It was a simple day, like any other day. The scent of peace was in the
air as Vendros headed to the bathing room with the latest edition of The
Monthly Litter to perform some deep thinking, when an unsightly growling
emitted from the chamber pot. Cautiously investigating further, he saw
not a sea of chopped trees, but a pair of evil eyes. Finding this to be
somewhat out of the ordinary, he quickly found a stick which he poked
cautiously into the pot. It would seem that the owner of the eyes within
was not pleased with this development as an earth-shaking roar rumbled
out of the pot.

The owner of the eyes was none other than lovable Yudhishthira who
quickly slithered out of the pot and tore the roof off of Vendros'
bathing room while it was raining, giving Vendros the bathing that the
room had been missing for quite some time. The stench from within the
pot cascaded over the city, leaving many coughing and gagging as the
stank fully hit the city like a sack of bricks.

Vendros, although shaken, refused to comment on the situation, telling
us to, "Go away! Stop knocking on my door! I'm on the pot!"

Penned by my hand on the 24th of Lupar, in the year 433 AF.