Armchair Adventures, Achaea's Foremost Periodically Updated Tabloid. All
articles and stories represented herein are completely true. Any
refutations or claims to the contrary are malicious lies and will be
treated as such, and met with teary eyes and accusations of not-loving
anymore. Lawsuits to take the fine dinnerware may follow.


POPULACE'S PREGNANT PERSON PROGNOSTICATES PLATYPUS PARTURITION
----------------------------
The town of Nimick celebrates what can only be described as one of the
weirdest birthing processes that can ever been conceived by the mortal
mind. In fact, before now, everyone was near convinced that it was
impossible.

Never one to be daunted by impossibilities, Frederick Kolsan has given
birth to a platypus. The 37 year old man was appalled, though his
parents seemed unsurprised.

We questioned the elder Mr. Kolsan, Frederick's father, as to his
reaction to the news. He claims that Frederick, "was always into that
kinky crap, it's not like this is a big jump from his camel incident,
like his mother and I weren't embarassed after that let me tell you."

Frederick himself was unavailable for comment, though it is our
understanding that he plans on releasing it into the wild. And by
releasing it into the wild, we mean cooking it up nicely broiled. Future
plans are as of yet undisclosed.


WIGS WITH WIDGETS WOVEN, WHISKERLESS WOMEN WHOOP
----------------------------
For all those waiting to hear the fat lady sing to end their favorite
sporting event, you're still going to have to wait. For those in search
of a bearded lady, however, you may be in luck!

A new company which desires its name to remain undisclosed has created a
new brand of wigs, the likes of which have never been seen before!
Normally wigs are commonly used to supplant the cosmetic problem of
horrific baldness, but now they're being used to supplant the
embarassing issue of a lack of facial hair.

It's not only men who wish to look distinguished who are going ga-ga
over this product, surprisingly women are also going wild. Those
pursuing the fantasy of the bearded lady and those wishing to make
things a little more wild in their relationship are looking at this as
an ideal way to give things a twist,

The men who are "victims" of this bearding process on their women have
had mixed reactions, but on the whole they're all happy to know that the
beards are removable with no lasting aftereffect.

...aside from the whiskers, but most of the men seem to like a nice
whisker-rub from their ladies.


MALICIOUS MIDGETS MAKE MERRY, MUNCHKINS MEET MINI-MOTHERS
----------------------------
The tiny people of the realms, long overlooked, underfoot, and laughed
at in carnival freakshows. But what of those who know not their mothers?
What of the poor and malicious ones who grew up with no mothers and no
life guidance?

There has been a solution! All those formerly without parenthood can now
boldly proclaim, "Look at me, world! I've got a loving mother!" because
Mini-Mothers are now on the prowl, searching for those who seem to be
little and bent out of shape.

What can these female parents of tiny stature offer? Love,
understanding, and hot apple pie. Why, who could ask for anything more?
The tiny people have never been happier, and so they continue on their
way, merry, and notably less malicious.


CAMEL CONUNDRUM CONTINUES CONFOUNDING, COQUETTISH CRAZIES CANNOT CEASE
----------------------------
Love: a crazy thing, but who can really claim to understand it? No one
with half a brain, most likely. But it would seem that lately it's taken
a turn for the more confusing, as a gaggle of groupie-like women have
fallen for a camel, of all things.

This camel, the favored mount of one of the more prominent citizens of
el'Jazira, is understandably baffled. He has taken to hiding inside of a
heavily guarded enclosure, complete with the accomodations every camel
could ever want, but there is a ring of crazy coots surrounding this
enclosure at all times.

We tried to interview any one of these apparently addled women on
multiple occasions, but they were too outright fanatical to yield
anything vaguely resembling coherent conversation. Rather, it was more
the way someone might scream at a Bardic concert with a very attractive
male Bard singing, or the way one might scream when a toe is stubbed.

The camel was unavailable for interview, since to our surprise, he
couldn't talk. That and our field reporter seemed unable to continue any
of his interviews that day after getting a chronic case of broken
kneecaps when caught inside the enclosure.


OLD ONES OBFUSCATE ODIUM, OLDEST OUTRAGE OFFENDS ODD OLFACTORY
----------------------------
The elderly: senile old fools, or stinky conspirators? A new undercover
investigation has shown that there is definitely something that smells
fishy in the knitting circles. Or perhaps more accurately, something
smells poopie.

Our undercover agent attempted to track the knitting circles to their
"secret lair" many times throughout the story coverage, but he reports
that the stench was too great for him to get near. One of two things can
be assumed from this information.

One is that the old people are stockpiling their most stanky by-products
in an effort for world domination, much to the dismay of all populaces
involved. The other is that their "secret lair" is actually just the
area where they keep the toilet and they're all just filthy slobs.
Either way, this could spell dire consequences for the public at large.


Do you have a headline you think is crackerjack A-grade material? Send
your ideas to Kuntar, and your headline might appear in a future issue
of Armchair Adventures.

Penned by my hand on the 19th of Chronos, in the year 429 AF.