All stories represented in this article are completely, absolutely,
postively, without a doubt, doubtlessly, and flawlessly 100% true. Any
similarity to people real, fictitious, living, dead, undead, unliving,
or confused are completely real. Any questioning of the truth of this
document will be replied to with legal action, including but not limited
to libel, slander, stalking, harassment, death, body odor, ugliness,
nymphomania, hedonism, agnosticism, aethism, sexual scandals, character
assassination, bribery, gerrymandering, perjury, and many other things
which don't actually have anything to do with the legal system.


MALE MIDPIECE MALFUNCTION MAKES MENDAX MIFFED
------------------------
A young, unknowing youth found out the trust about a certain Ashtan
official the other day, and its effects have been heard throughout the
city in the form of a girlish wail. A terrified scream from the ancient
archives of Ashtan resounds as 'Mendax time' is further defined, baby.

For those not acquainted with the story, Mendax was turned into a
vegetarian by a rogue pair of scissor after a lifeguard rescue gone
wrong. The woman who was attacked was thoroughly truamatized, and it was
determined that Mendax time, baby, needed to be cut a little short.

Mendax remains upbeat, however, holding steadfastly to the claim that no
inches are needed to satisfy any women who should so need satisfaction,
and was even found just the other day with two women in a bed out in
public. We interviewed one of the women, who seemed to be scared out of
her wits, and she stated, "I don't even know this guy. My sister and I
were just walking through Ashtan's Central Market when this psycho jumps
out of an alley, rips his clothes off, shouts, 'It's Mendax time, baby!'
and throws us both on a bed that I'm sure wasn't there before. My sister
can't even speak, she's so shocked about what he has...down there. Or it
may be more accurate to say what he doesn't have."


TRICKY TREES TROUNCE TRAIPSING TRAPPERS, TRUFFLES TRUMPET TRIUMPH!
------------------------
Men in the forest hunting for animal skins for make a profit, rarely has
there been a more classic or manly profession than being paid to kill
things and strip them of anything that might have warmed them. At least,
that's what a group of hunters in the Aureliana thought before something
went terribly wrong.

It seems that, either by design or by accident, the entire hunting party
was crushed under a number of trees that experienced a domino effect
upon one falling down. A small chorus of cheers was shortly heard from a
colony of mushrooms.

We questioned the local woodcutter as to whether he had been doing any
cutting in the area recently, and although he seemed shifty in his
answers, but he didn't seem to have the thought capacity necessary to
commit such a misdeed. We figure the foggy answers just stemmed from
having no idea what we were talking about.


BAD BLOATED BEES BUMBLE BOOGYING, BIG BASH BITES
------------------------
It would have been the happiest shindig in all the world, had it not
been for the sudden attack of venomous bees. Many were suddenly started
as others cried out, "This has never happened before, I swear!" It was a
first time for many things that night.

The bees seemed reminiscent to many of the recent bat attacks, swooping
down from nowhere and attacking all in sight. Though it would appear
that these attacks were not caused by a pregnant nightmare, rather these
were caused by the smells of certain intimate endeavors. It's a lot like
honey to these bees, only a lot less sweet, and with less dancing
involved. Unless you count the horizontal boogie, but that's only
counted in the extended edition of the rules.

When questioned upon the events of the day, one started forestal
claimed, "It was pandemonium! It was insane! It was downright crazy
there! We were all having a good time until those bees came out of
nowhere and started humping air and stinging everything in sight. I
don't think some of the people involved are ever going to be quite the
same again."

Let this serve as a warning to those who like their encounters to be
leafy, the bees are on patrol for you and your partner(s).


NOCTURNAL NIGHTTIME NEVERENDING? NONSENSE, NOTES NAYSAYERS
------------------------
With every new alignment of the stars, there's always someone out there
to declare that it's a load of crap and boldly declare that all is well.
There is also, of course, the people who walk the other side of the
tracks and maintain the the world is doomed, nothing will ever been the
same, and that we're all screwed. This most recent development is no
exception to the rule, as we have exclusive interviews from No-Nonsense
Naysayer Ned Nolkins, and Positive Proactive Protagonist Pell Patooska.

Upon questioning, Ned said, "This darkness isn't anything special. So
what, it gets a little dark outside and everyone starts panicking,
saying it's the end of the world, studying everything that crazy woman
Apollonia said. She didn't say anything special, she was just out for
the attention. Speaking from personal experience, it gets awful lonely
living in a swamp. Seems to me like all she wanted was a bit of
attention, and she certainly got it."

We asked Pell as to how he responded to this allegation of a brief
nocturnal night, and he responded, "I had a problem with my bladder just
like this unnatural night once, something was blocking the stream just
like those moons are blocking the sun. I didn't know what it was for
years. Then I found out it was my underpants."

Pell Patooska has since been taken into a special care home. Ned
Nolkins, however, continues to go out on the hill behind his house
nightly and howl at the sky nightly. The neighbors have begun to
complain, but the landowner just doesn't seem to care.


WORDS WANT WINGS! WRITTEN WORKS WORKING WRONGLY!
------------------------
Written words are on rampage for better writing, grammar, and overall
impact of writing elements. Tired of being used wrongly and without true
purpose in everyday situations, a few words have taken a radical step
and have gone on strike from a number of written works.

It, The, and Is are only members of current word confederation, though
many others are considering joining. We questioned The on her stance of
issue and why she decided to start this commotion, and she told us that
she was tired of being "used and thrown away like a cheap napkin with no
regard for feelings or elegance." We can't yet say as for whether or not
this will be a long strike or something that will be solved when better
working rights for words are achieved, but we can say that world of
literature will either learn to be more elegant, or they will have to
live whout these words.

has been confirmed that current membership of this group limited to
these three words, but no sure thing that other words will not be able
to resist call of sophistication.


DONKEY DEEP DOWN DOING DRAG, DROOLING DRUNKS DREAM DRUNKEN DREAMS
------------------------
True love. The ultimate goal of many an Achaean, seeking someone to
share time and life with. Need it necessarily be limited to the same
species? A donkey has been seen parading around Hashan dressed in a
skirt and wearing makeup, though it is debated by those who have seen
this donkey as to whether or not its gender is as portrayed.

Whether or not this donkey is indeed a woman, as its dress may claim, it
has been seen cavorting about the city with a different escort every
night, nearly always accompanied by a gentleman smelling heavily of
liquor and unwashed-ness. On one occasion, this donkey was seen with
Tiax, but the only response that could be gleaned out of him was,
"Plip...Tiax!"


Do you have an idea for an article in Armchair Adventures, The Achaean
Tabloid? Send messages to Kuntar with your thoughts on what's important
today and your idea may be in our next issue!

Penned by my hand on the 2nd of Miraman, in the year 427 AF.