Armchair Adventures, Achaea's foremost periodically updated source for
the gossip around the world.

Keep in mind that all opinions expressed herein may not reflect the
opinions of the writers. They may, but they also may not.


ELATED ELEVATOR ESTIMATES ESTACHIAN ENORMITY
---------------------
Rumors have it that a scale has been made that contains the mechanics
and power necessary to calculate weights reaching up to those of
Estachian proportions. The news has come in that this is no mere myth!
Long thought to be scientific myth and, as resources would say it,
"unpossible", it has nonetheless happened. Although Estach was not
around to be weighed on the scale, one of his toenails was found. While
not Estach himself, it was heavier than anything known to mortals other
than Estach himself and was successfully weighed on the scale without
any breakage. At the finalized scale balance, the read weight was 70
tonnes.

When asked for an opinion, a curious onlooker stated, "I've never seen
such a huge toenail in my life! Gods, it's bigger than my whole family!"
This person would only allow their statement to be printed under the
condition of anonyminity, but we cann narrow down your searches by
saying the speaker is related to Beldaran.

COW CALAMITOUSLY CLAMS CUD, CRIME CONFOUNDS CONSTABULARY
---------------------
Tragedy struck Bopalopia today in the form of cannibalism. Sir Piggly,
longtime admirer of Princess Lispethia and well-known in his
relationship with the Printheth, was found half eaten in a frying pan
earlier this month. The only clues to his identity and method of death
were a side of bacon with a sword and a hoof in Princess Lispethia's
mouth. The evidence would point to domestic violence between the two,
followed by a deadly confrontation.

Local constables are casing the area in search of witnesses, the only
likely witness seems to be Fernado Moo of the famed 'Moo, Moo, and
Cudchew' accounting firm. He adamantly refuses to let anything he knows
be known, so the constabulary is at a standstill in their investigation.

When asked about the events of the month, all Fernando Moo would tell us
was, "I've been here too long. I've seen things nobody should see. They
want me to spill the milk, and I'm not going to do it. I've seen things
no one should see." We also interviewed the Savannah cows in hopes of an
answer, but we believe they may be in on it as they all give the same
response, "Moo."

We inquired of Fernando's strange demeanor to his business associates,
and they confimed that he has been acting strange for quite some time,
mumbling inanities about childhood love and betrayal.

MHALDORIAN MISANTHROPE MISPLACES MIDDY, MUFTI MALFUNCTION MATERIALIZES
---------------------
It appears that during this year's
secret-Mhaldorian-ritual-that-shall-remain-nameless, there was a small
issue with one of the participants. All was going well until a prominent
member of the city had an issue in the form of disappearing pants. This
caused quite a commotion and was a notable public spectacle to behold.
Cleverly avoiding any form of mortification, the situation was quickly
deflected by quickminded higher ups, but the damage had already been
done by the time something was done about the wardrobe malfunction.

An older citizen of the city was quoted as saying, "I never knew she was
that kind of person. You think you know someone and suddenly they take
off their pants in front of you, showing themselves off to the whole
neighborhood. It's not the same city it used to be, I tell you."

Another citizen, this one young and fragile, was heard to say, "I have
that image forever burned into my eyes. He should be more careful where
he waves that thing, it's just not safe to go around with that thing
out."

The pants were unavailable for comment after the situation, but the city
member was mortified after the situation, to say the least. Authorities
are refraining from comment on the situation, though a new law on public
nudity is going through approval.

AFFAIR AT ATRIUM ACCOUNTS AMPLE ANKLEBITING
---------------------
A little more than love, such as raised axes and flying sparks are in
the air over the marriage of the House Leader Darlings of Achaea as
Ainia found her husband in the bed of a well-to-do Ashtani dragon. Upon
being discovered, Jaizsur fled the room in tears as Ainia stood there
with her mouth agape, not unlike a turkey in rain.

We were able to contact Jaizsur for questioning after he regained his
composure, at which point he claimed, "The wench seduced me! He lured me
to my bedroom with promises of sweetmeats and candy, and then things
went terribly wrong!" At this point he became inconsolable and we were
unable to continue the interview.

Upon asking Ainia, she claims to be, "not surprised," and does not
consider the marriage to be in any jeopardy. "I expected it to happen
sooner or later. I even suspected who it was. The only surprise was that
Jaizsur didn't know about it."

We questioned the mysterious third party who would only talk to us on
condition that we did not say who he was, who brazenly declared, "I
didn't even do anything, it was all a misunderstanding! I was having a
problem with my pants but my husband, Berol, wasn't around to help me
with it like he normally does. Jaizsur happened to be there, I asked him
if he would help me. Seriously, you'd think getting someone's opinion on
a busted seam was asking them to check out my bum the way everyone
reacts."

ORNERY ORPHANS OPEN OWN OCCULT ORDER
---------------------
The Loving Hearts Orphanage of Ashtan has long been a haven for Occultic
mysteries, where Ashtanis take the children of their sordid love affairs
so that they'll never have to be reminded of them again as they're
ruthlessly butchered for their tasty, juicy pineal glands for such
helpful by-products as gleam, and the Spawn of the Unnamable Horror. But
lately it seems that a few attendants of the Orphanage have been found
butchered in the same way as the children are usually found, only they
are missing their livers.

A new radical faction has made itself known in Ashtan, "Orphans for
Occult Ordinance." They feel that the house of the Occultists are headed
in the wrong direction lately and have undertaken to take matters into
their own hands. Due to a lack of membership and conflict of interest,
they harvest not the juicy pineal glands, but opt for the adult liver.
The kind that makes its own gravy. Their agenda proclaims that they seek
the Occult and seek to serve Lady Eris, and to make bedtime for children
a thing of the past.

We questioned the leader of "Orphans for Occult Ordinace," a young boy
calling himself nothing but Xirthronton. We gathered that this was an
assumed name, and little Alton did confirm this for us. He also
confirmed that he thought the Occultists were, "meanie-heads" with no
sense of directions, and said the Loving Hearts Orphanage was full of
"big dumb doodyheads with hurty pointies." He would not disclosed to us
the exact number of members he had, though he would tell us he had "a
gajillion thousand million big strong men" to back him up in his plan
for the greater occult mysteries. He also kicked our field reporter in
the shin and took his pouch of gold before scurrying back off to his
hideout, assuring that his organization has funding for at least a short
while more.

GIDDY GOPHER GOES GOOFY, GAMBLES GONADS
---------------------
Hashan is in an uproar after a new local celebrity, a rather cognizant
gopher, undertook to gamble his fortune at their esteemed blackjack
tables. Though it seems that after a number of losses, the gopher has
become desperate enough to wager everything on one pair. His pair, that
is.

Referendums have been started discussing the ramifications of the bet
and its effect on the economy. When questioned on his intentions and
what he planned to do in the event of a loss, the gopher said, "It's all
I've got left. Some people say I'm nuts, but if I lose this bet I won't
have anything left."

Hashan's Minister of Trade, Valaina, was questioned on what Hashan would
do in the case of an acquisition of a shipment of nuts. She said that
they would be treated as "valuable commodities" and would be used
"sparingly" in trading with other cities. This failing, they may also be
used as a "delicacy". For eating.


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Penned by my hand on the 17th of Scarlatan, in the year 425 AF.