The sun used to shine so brightly when you were near, even on the most
dismal day now it always seems like there is a storm cloud on the
horizon ready to smother the light.

Thoughts of you would send me spiraling happily through my day when you
were away and the prospect of seeing you again would make my heart leap
with joy, now my heart grows heavy and sad with the thought of never
seeing you again.

My heart feels smothered by layers of pain, cracking and breaking from
the weight of it all, I'm struggling desperately to fight through and
find your love again to heal my heart but whenever I get past one layer,
two more cover my heart again. I am losing ground, I feel lost, empty,
broken...

I long to feel the warmth of your love again, I long for happier times
like it used to be. I crave your touch, the brightness of your smile,
your laughter, your companionship, your thoughtfulness.... most of all I
crave the security I found in your arms.

I am listless without your love. I wander around in a state of
confusion. I cant concentrate on anything but my misery. I find no
comfort with friends or family. I smile but it doesn't reach my eyes. I
laugh but it sounds hollow. I'm a shell, a husk, my heart slowly dying
inside with pain.

I feel like somewhere we lost each other and I am searching,
backtracking, becoming frantic to find the path back to you but it
remains elusive. The walls are closing in on me, I cant breathe, I cant
swallow down the lump in my throat, I cant stop crying, crying out for
you but you cant hear me, my voice is carried away on the wind, unheard
by you.

I feel like soon I will waste away from the lack of your love, your
touch, your comfort, till I am carried away in the wind that carries my
voice away from you and I will be lost forever, never to find you again.
I am hanging on with all my strength as I weaken, my grip becoming
harder to maintain. I am frightened, scared of what lies ahead if I let
go. I am petrified that if I do let go I will never be able to find my
way back into the sun again, into your arms again, never to feel your
loving arms around me again, cherishing me, loving me, keeping me from
falling into nothingness...

I am drowning in a tidal wave of pain, the uncertainities dragging me
down, hindering me from breaking to the surface again. Every time I
surface I get dragged back under. I'm struggling to break through the
raging surf but am so uncertain if I will be closer to shore or further
out to sea, drifting endlessly towards unknown shores.

I am treading water in a sea of confusion, I know not which way to swim,
or if I have the strength to swim at all in either direction. It would
be easier to just drown...

Life without you isn't. Your love rescued me once and only your love can
sustain me....save me. I don't want to be numb and in the dark again.


Penned by my hand on the 17th of Glacian, in the year 431 AF.