Hello Everyone! I checked the sun and it looks to be that time again, the time to strain your eyes by looking at the sun. Seriously, don't check what time it is by looking at the sun....

I have received letters from 3 people who need my help. Now as a good citizen of Sapience, I have no choice but to share my insight as how to solve these issues or answer these questions.

Enjoy!

You read what is written on an intricately embossed letter:
Dear Jonesey,

How would a wife put spice back into a routine and mundane marriage?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Sounds like you are boring, or your husband is boring. Maybe you are both boring at the same time. Now when I see this problem, there are two things that run through my mind: the figurative and the literal.

If we are to add some interest to your dwindling relationship there are a few ways to excite your relationship, as a wife, bringing another man to your romantic encounters will do a few things. It will either enrage your husband and have him increase his interest and passion or he will realize he prefers the company of men and will divorce you. Either way you will see how he reacts to this change in dynamic. If he leaves you, I can probably find you a new lover.
Another option would be to bring a spry female to your romantic encounters, this will have a similar effect and your husband may realize he is done being with an old bag like you and will leave you for this younger woman. If not the benefit will be that he is fired up by your initiative and will reach a firey level of passion that you have never seen before.
Another option would be to bring in an inanimate object that is use to help tickle your self or your husband. There are many objects that are acceptable, but ones that are not ok may have the following:

Splinters
Jagged edges
Fire
Poison
Rot/Decay

Now that we have covered the figurative, lets go over the literal. Rub spice to your genitals and let things heat up. Side effects may include a burning sensation, but that might just be the love that burns in your heart.

I hope this has helped and fun fact, I have spice for sale.

Love your third wheel,
Jonesey



You read what is written on a gilt-edged letter:
why are you so dumb

Dear unsigned,
U R Dumb cuz U axed me why

Luv
Jones-E

You read what is written on an elegant white letter:
Dearest Jonesey,

I "discovered" a body. I was wondering what the best way to dispose of
said body I "discovered" would be. I do not want anyone to be able to
trace me back to having "discovered" said body.

Thank you in advance,

"Discoverer" of bodies.

Dear "Discoverer" of bodies,

Sounds like you have "discovered" bodies that may need disposal, here are some of my favorite methods:
Offer to a Divine
Feed to your children
Feed to your lover
Feed to your city/house leader
Light on fire
Bury under Shallam
Tie strings to and introduce to people as your new friend from out of town/Learn Ventriloquism
Marry the body then divorce the body
Adopt the body as a child
Vote the body as a member of your ruling council

Remember, bodies get smelly so first one to complain about the smell is the person who did the crime. I think thats how the phrase goes at least....

Your friend but not accomplice,
Jonesey


You read what is written on an elegant white letter:
Ashtan is pro Twilight now. Why else would you embrace a confirmed
Darkie instead of ousting him like you've ousted people for lesser and
fake reasons? When is Farrah moving in?

Hopeful Farrah roomie

Dear Hopefully Farrah roomie,

Ashtan is not pro Twilight, the only confirmed Darkie I know about is Archaeon. I would oust him, but that would be very wrong for me to out ARCHAEON as a DARKIE over the public newsboard.
I wish we had more Darkies, but I think their Order has one member, how boring.

Being a Darkie isn't so bad, in fact, someone told me that someone in my very own bloodline is a Darkie. I will not reveal who it is though, as not to compromise their current position.

As far as ousting, every city literally can make up any reason they want for ousting or enemying somebody. If you don't like it, well you can join Shallam I guess. As long as we have people in charge of other people, there will be fake reason made up to enemy or oust someone.

Farrah will be moving in once she joins Targossas, gives her report about Hashan and then joins Ashtan to attempt to do the same thing for Targossas. Allegedly, this is just what the people tell me. Alot of people tell me this actually.

Hopefully your roomie,
Jonesey

Well another great edition of Dear Jonesey completed, remember if you have a burning in your pants, check for spice or ants and include one golden sovereign before writing me your question.

Until the next edition

Penned by my hand on the 12th of Chronos, in the year 820 AF.