Yes it is I, Jonesey, once again coming to you live from inside this news post. I know there has been a delay and many of you have asked me why. I only write a new episode after I have received 3 letters where my assistance is needed. If you want to see this more frequently, write me a letter and include one golden sovereign so I know you mean business.

Here is your latest edition:

You read what is written on an elegant white letter:
Dear, dear, dearest Jonesey,

I think you are the bees-knees. I love your ideas, and you make me
giggle, sometimes maniacally. Please don't ever stop Dear Jonesey. It's
the greatest thing to happen on Sapience since....since...well...since
the discovery of rum!. When are there gonna be shirts and vials and
pipes and other Dear Jonesey merchandise?

Sincerely,
A huge fan

PS - The other gold is a tip because you are so freaking awesome!


Dear A huge fan,

I am currently working on producing Amazing Dear Jonesey merchandise as we speak, but labor is expensive. I need more children to step up and work for mutton. I think my first item will be Granny panties that say property of Jonesey. Perhaps a sketch of a tattoo that says Jonesey was here. There are some ideas being developed, and if you have any suggestions feel free to share. I might even give YOU a golden sovereign in return.


NEXT!!



You read what is written on a silver-embossed letter:
Dear Jonesey,

I have a friend, let's call him ... 'Severe'. He and I used to be pretty
tight. I thought we had something, but lately, I haven't gotten to hang
out with him much at all. We just seem to be into different things and
run with different crowds. It's hard hanging with a combat god when
you're a lowly plebeian!

Any advice on how I can rekindle that friendship with someone I haven't
spent time with in years? Our whole group of friends is pretty
fractured, but also still whole, so it's not as simple as reaching out
and saying hi.

Please advise,

Alienated in Ashtan

Dear Alienated in Ashtan,

Rekindling a relationship is hard work. A good start is to spend time with the person that you want to re-establish a relationship with. Nothing says I care like a gift, perhaps drugs or alcohol to errode any awkwardness. Now the best way to bridge the gap is to either improve yourself to their level or to destroy them and bring them down to yours. Combat can be a daunting challenge, but I believe in your ability to approve yourself. The alternative is to get them addicted to gleam so they lose interest in combat and fully dedicate themselves to the life of an addict. IF you do a really good job, they will become dependant on you and you will no longer have a friend, but have someone that comes to you constantly for your guidance.

Another alternative that doesn't involve drugs is to slam their head a few times until they become a drooling vegetable. This is another great way to get someone dependant on you. When everyone else they know has turned their back on your new friend, you and you alone will be their sole source of friendship.

I hope this has helped and remember, its an accident if you start by yelling surprise.




NEXT!!!!!


You read what is written on an elegant white letter:
Dear Jonesey,

You're already an expert in this, but I have to know.

How did you convince your daughter to marry you and start giving you
more children? This seems pretty efficient, to me. Don't even need to
call in help from the outside, plus it keeps your genetic line pure and
untainted by alien cats or extraplanar bugs or whatnot. Don't even get
me started on boars that lived on a tree.

I've already got the daughter, I've already got a ring. What now? She
doesn't see me that way, so we'll need to convince her that Jonesey's
way is the best way.

Enclosed is a sovereign, so you know I mean business.


Dear Unsigned letter,

First and foremost, sign your name you loser. Let me serious, who doesn't sign a moniker for Dear Jonesey? LOOOOSSSAAAAAAA

Moving on, the secret to having a daughter marry and breed with you is to breed with Nature directly. I planted my seed deep into the ground with the intention of making myself a mate. My vanity knew I wanted her father to be as sexy as I am, and there was only one way to guarantee results. Once she was created in my image, I explained to her the love that I had for her and we were set. Since that day, we have been the dream couple. In fact most people are purely jealous of the strength of our relationship. I love how effective and efficient my bloodline is, as my children has someone they can call mother and sister. I have a grand daughter who is also my great grand daughter. That is science at its peak levels.

As with your own daughter, I would reccomend locking her in a dungeon until she is ready to reason. When she is completely broken, then you will have the perfect opportunity to be her saviour. You show her what love is. Once you save her, she will turn to your side. Remind her that no other man has known her as long as you have and that she is doing her part to carry on your families legacy.

If she still does not respond to this, getting her addicted to drugs or turning her into a drooling vegetable is a great way to have her dependant on you. Nothing says I love you more than I need you. Force her into a position where she has to rely on you and you will have you way with her.





I hope that I have answered all of your questions and if you wish to see more Dear Jonesey's in the future and have them released more frequently, write more letters. I have had millions of people tell me they want more, but you cannot have more unless you contribute. Be a part of the solution, not the problem. Don't be a dirty -yndra

Penned by my hand on the 12th of Valnuary, in the year 791 AF.