Another episode of the greatest thing you have seen this side of the Pachahchchaha. Don't forget to include 1 golden sovereign for consideration!

NEXT!

You read what is written on an elegant white letter:
Dear Jonesey

Me again, I wanted to say I appreciated the reply.

I'd rather have a stick up my butt, then a stick for a brain.

Yours Sincerely,
StillTiredOfBloodyJonesey

PS: 1 gold sovereign, because I mean it. I truly do.

Dear StillTiredOfBloodyJonesey,

Sounds like you're trying to remove the stick for a brain from your butt. I am afraid that me giving you further assistance may lead to a Bloody Jonesey. This is going to cost more than a sovereign.

If I was you I would leave the stick in your brain and enjoy the simple things in life, like eating delicious paint chips. Don't be mad cause you're bad, this is an opportunity to reflect at your own failures and improve yourself.

Remember, Jonesey loves you....r money


NEXT!



You see that the letter contains some gold sovereigns.
You read what is written on an elegant white letter:
Dear Jonesey,

My friend has really nice hair. Like, I mean, -spectacular- hair. But they have always refuted all complements towards it. So, I devised the wondrous plan of a Hair Appreciation Club, to honour their fine hair.

Now, I'm not talking a bunch of random nobodies meeting in some shed. I'm talking a club room, I'm talking a hair shrine, tapestries, and hundreds upon hundreds of worshipers.

The problem is, this friend doesn't want me to go through with the Hair Appreciation Club. They think it's too much. But really, it's barely anything compared to the majesty that is their hair. I just don't know.
Should I respect their wishes, but leave their hair un-loved? What would Jonesey do?

Frustrated Hair Fan

Dear Frustrated Hair Fan,

Sounds like you're trying to go for the long con, here are a few tips to get what you want.

Start your club and gather like minded people who are weak willed. Convince them to let you lead the club and dictate how resources are spent. Then every year or decade, announce a winner of your Hair Appreciate Club award, but never let it be your friend with the -spectacular- hair. Then after some time, have a lifetime achievement award, or a best hair of a century award and use that as an opportunity to crown your friend the winner. You would have made enough time pass to conceal your intentions, but you also set a base line for what exceptional hair is. Then you lay the ultimate compliment by implying your friends -spectacular- hair is even greater than what the world has seen thus far.

Or alternatively steal a strand of hair from your friend every time you meet until you can construct a small doll in the shape of your friend. Remember, its not creepy if you don't get caught.


NEXT!!


You read what is written on an elegant white letter:
Dear Jonesey,

People say givers are saps and receivers are jerks. They can't both be right, so which is it?

Is it better to give or to receive?

Signed,
Someone


Dear Someone,

Context is very important, here are a few examples of what I mean.

It is better to give a beating than receive a beating
It is better to give a disease than to receive a disease
It is better to give feces than receive feces


Here are some examples of when it is better to receive versus give

It is better to receive a sovereign than to give a sovereign
It is better to receive sex things than to give sex things
It is better to receive a pony than to give a pony

See what I mean?

I think the real answer is that every person who isn't you is a sap and a jerk and you're better off just giving all the good things to Jonesey, your only friend who truly understands you.


Hope you guys have benefited from my advise so far and I look forward to our next episode of Dear Jonesey.

Penned by my hand on the 25th of Ero, in the year 790 AF.