Achaean News

Previous Article | Back to News Summary | Next Article
Public News Post #20339

Dear Jonesey

Written by: Director Jonesey Corder
Date: Tuesday, January 8th, 2019
Addressed to: Everyone


It's time for another edition of Dear Jonesey, Enjoy!

You read what is written on an elegant white letter:
Dear Jonesey,

My fiance is trying to drag me off to a new city, but I like my home now. It has Chaos and all the people who support it, so why should I leave? He tells me that if I love him, I will do this for him.

What would Jonesey do?

A sovereign is enclosed per your request.

Sitting in the Seat



Dear Sitting in the Seat,

Have you considered buying a new fiance? If he wants to leave his home, chances are hes a siren away from leaving you. Loyalty is important and if one cannot be loyal in other regards of their life, they will not be loyal to you.

You see, some chairs are for sitting, while others convert into beds. There are many seats and let me tell you something, there is a bum for every kind of seat out there. Find your bum and he will leave an indentation in your heart.



NEXT!


Dear Jonesey,

A co-worker has recently been condescending and really difficult to work with. At times, he simply refuses to answer my questions and our work is suffering because of it.

Trying to be the bigger man, I did attempt to smooth the waters (or clear the air, if you're more of a Farethi), but to no avail.

It actually made matters worse! He told me he doesn't respect me and never will. I think it's because I got the promotion he wanted. But I've more than earned it!

This whole thing has me somewhere between flabberghasted and irate. What would Jonesey do?

Tired of Being the Bigger Man




Dear Tired of Being the Bigger Man,

What you are experiencing is not jealousy, but lust. Your co-worker has strong feelings and desires for you and does not know how to express himself. This is pent up sexual frustration, but its not his fault, I mean look at your fine self. If anything you are too blame for being such a tasty treat on full display, hidden behind a glass counter teasing and tantalizing his senses.

The next thing you must do is place a deep kiss on his lips, this gives you a few possible outcomes. Here are my top two scenarios:

1. He kisses back and you guys adopt Shallamese orphans together, you name them Mutton and Pear and they go on to create gleam that gives cures ailments.
B. He does not kiss back and you get fired for sexual harrassment, blacklisted from every working in your role again.


Either way, you have closure on your situation and will be able to get rid of your flabberghasted and irate feelings.



NEXT!


Dear Jonesey,

One of our House's novices has been incredibly rude and apathetic.

He refuses to cooperate when asked to do so. He even keeps HT and HNT turned off most of the time, noting that he doesn't really want to hear the chatter there (if there is any it's usually important!).

A few months back he did everything he could to ruin an important House event for some of our members and fellow citizens. When asked about it afterward, he barely gave a response as to why he acted the way he did.

He was already on his last leg, and I feel like maybe I should chop that off now too. What are your thoughts? What Would Jonesey Do?

A Disappointed HoN


Dear A Disappointed HoN,

Novices are like mules, if they starve you buy another one. Your job is to sort out the winners and losers, and let me tell you.... some novices are loooossseerrrrssssss. Sounds like you have a live one on your hands.

From my experience novices who do not co-operate are a great way to weaken your enemies. In fact, anytime I find a novices picking his nose and ingesting his treasure, I give him the a glowing recommendation of how lovely Targossas is this time of year. Sounds like you have just found yourself a Targossiasian who is misplaced. Show him to his proper home and you will be better for it.



NEXT!


Dear Jonesey,

Why are Hashani so stupid?

I am enclosing 1 sovereign to show that this is a legitimate question. In fact, I'll enclose another sovereign if you can tell me why Mhaldor has announced a war on babies? Touching them is gross!

WWJD,

An Eleusian Cake Sniffer




Dear An Eleusian Cake Sniffer,

Not all Hashani are stupid and not every Mhaldorian touches babies, in fact I only have proof of one Mhaldorian who is guilty of such a thing. It is a dangerous thing to create sterotypes based on peoples cities.... but if I had to.....


In alphabetical order:
Ashtani- Entity huggers
Cyrene- Cupcake huggers
Eleusis- Tree huggers
Hashan- Shadow huggers
Mhaldor- Sartan huggers
Targossas- Corpse huggers

Sterotypes are wrong, except when they are right. Don't be a sterotype.



NEXT!


Dear Jonesey,

I met a beautiful woman at the bar over the weekend. Things went really well and we had some drinks and shared a few laughs. Things really couldn't have gone better, but things took a turn and we moved on to the bedroom. That's where my problem begins. She was quite stunning, and i loved every inch of her, but I couldn't get it up. I don't know what happened, but it's not the first time either. So my question is two fold here, first.. how can I get it up again. Second though.. if I can't, how can I please a woman if my penis won't work?

-Anonymous

PS. It's not the booze, I only drink lightly.


Dear -Anonymous,

Have you considered that you are gay? You liked what you say in how she dressed and her sense of fashion and style. Maybe women do not arouse you and its just possible you are chasing the wrong thing.

Explore what you have not had in the past, try difference races. Having been a former Grook, I know the potential a grook lover has. It is true what they say, once you go Grook, you never go Mhun.



As always, please include 1 golden sovereign with your letter so I know you mean business.

Until our next post!


Penned by my hand on the 2nd of Ero, in the year 790 AF.


Previous Article | Back to News Summary | Next Article
Previous | Summary | Next
Public News Post #20339

Dear Jonesey

Written by: Director Jonesey Corder
Date: Tuesday, January 8th, 2019
Addressed to: Everyone


It's time for another edition of Dear Jonesey, Enjoy!

You read what is written on an elegant white letter:
Dear Jonesey,

My fiance is trying to drag me off to a new city, but I like my home now. It has Chaos and all the people who support it, so why should I leave? He tells me that if I love him, I will do this for him.

What would Jonesey do?

A sovereign is enclosed per your request.

Sitting in the Seat



Dear Sitting in the Seat,

Have you considered buying a new fiance? If he wants to leave his home, chances are hes a siren away from leaving you. Loyalty is important and if one cannot be loyal in other regards of their life, they will not be loyal to you.

You see, some chairs are for sitting, while others convert into beds. There are many seats and let me tell you something, there is a bum for every kind of seat out there. Find your bum and he will leave an indentation in your heart.



NEXT!


Dear Jonesey,

A co-worker has recently been condescending and really difficult to work with. At times, he simply refuses to answer my questions and our work is suffering because of it.

Trying to be the bigger man, I did attempt to smooth the waters (or clear the air, if you're more of a Farethi), but to no avail.

It actually made matters worse! He told me he doesn't respect me and never will. I think it's because I got the promotion he wanted. But I've more than earned it!

This whole thing has me somewhere between flabberghasted and irate. What would Jonesey do?

Tired of Being the Bigger Man




Dear Tired of Being the Bigger Man,

What you are experiencing is not jealousy, but lust. Your co-worker has strong feelings and desires for you and does not know how to express himself. This is pent up sexual frustration, but its not his fault, I mean look at your fine self. If anything you are too blame for being such a tasty treat on full display, hidden behind a glass counter teasing and tantalizing his senses.

The next thing you must do is place a deep kiss on his lips, this gives you a few possible outcomes. Here are my top two scenarios:

1. He kisses back and you guys adopt Shallamese orphans together, you name them Mutton and Pear and they go on to create gleam that gives cures ailments.
B. He does not kiss back and you get fired for sexual harrassment, blacklisted from every working in your role again.


Either way, you have closure on your situation and will be able to get rid of your flabberghasted and irate feelings.



NEXT!


Dear Jonesey,

One of our House's novices has been incredibly rude and apathetic.

He refuses to cooperate when asked to do so. He even keeps HT and HNT turned off most of the time, noting that he doesn't really want to hear the chatter there (if there is any it's usually important!).

A few months back he did everything he could to ruin an important House event for some of our members and fellow citizens. When asked about it afterward, he barely gave a response as to why he acted the way he did.

He was already on his last leg, and I feel like maybe I should chop that off now too. What are your thoughts? What Would Jonesey Do?

A Disappointed HoN


Dear A Disappointed HoN,

Novices are like mules, if they starve you buy another one. Your job is to sort out the winners and losers, and let me tell you.... some novices are loooossseerrrrssssss. Sounds like you have a live one on your hands.

From my experience novices who do not co-operate are a great way to weaken your enemies. In fact, anytime I find a novices picking his nose and ingesting his treasure, I give him the a glowing recommendation of how lovely Targossas is this time of year. Sounds like you have just found yourself a Targossiasian who is misplaced. Show him to his proper home and you will be better for it.



NEXT!


Dear Jonesey,

Why are Hashani so stupid?

I am enclosing 1 sovereign to show that this is a legitimate question. In fact, I'll enclose another sovereign if you can tell me why Mhaldor has announced a war on babies? Touching them is gross!

WWJD,

An Eleusian Cake Sniffer




Dear An Eleusian Cake Sniffer,

Not all Hashani are stupid and not every Mhaldorian touches babies, in fact I only have proof of one Mhaldorian who is guilty of such a thing. It is a dangerous thing to create sterotypes based on peoples cities.... but if I had to.....


In alphabetical order:
Ashtani- Entity huggers
Cyrene- Cupcake huggers
Eleusis- Tree huggers
Hashan- Shadow huggers
Mhaldor- Sartan huggers
Targossas- Corpse huggers

Sterotypes are wrong, except when they are right. Don't be a sterotype.



NEXT!


Dear Jonesey,

I met a beautiful woman at the bar over the weekend. Things went really well and we had some drinks and shared a few laughs. Things really couldn't have gone better, but things took a turn and we moved on to the bedroom. That's where my problem begins. She was quite stunning, and i loved every inch of her, but I couldn't get it up. I don't know what happened, but it's not the first time either. So my question is two fold here, first.. how can I get it up again. Second though.. if I can't, how can I please a woman if my penis won't work?

-Anonymous

PS. It's not the booze, I only drink lightly.


Dear -Anonymous,

Have you considered that you are gay? You liked what you say in how she dressed and her sense of fashion and style. Maybe women do not arouse you and its just possible you are chasing the wrong thing.

Explore what you have not had in the past, try difference races. Having been a former Grook, I know the potential a grook lover has. It is true what they say, once you go Grook, you never go Mhun.



As always, please include 1 golden sovereign with your letter so I know you mean business.

Until our next post!


Penned by my hand on the 2nd of Ero, in the year 790 AF.


Previous | Summary | Next